Parents often find themselves saying “no” countless times a day. No running. No shouting. No touching. No, no, no, no,no! While it may seem like the quickest way to set limits, the truth is that the word “no” often doesn’t work as well as we think, especially for young children. In fact, constantly relying on “no” can leave children feeling confused, frustrated, or even anxious.

So what should we be saying instead? The answer lies in positive phrasing, praise, and positive reinforcement, tools that not only shape behaviour effectively, but also support a child’s developing brain and emotional wellbeing.

Why “No” Alone Doesn’t Work

When we tell a child “No running!” the only word their brain latches onto is “running.” Neuroscience shows that young children think in terms of actions, not in the absence of actions (Miller,  2014). Their developing brains (especially the prefrontal cortex, which helps with impulse control and decision-making) are not yet wired to process abstract commands like “don’t” or “stop.”

This means that when parents use “no,” children often don’t learn what to do instead. The result? They repeat the same behaviour, or they stop temporarily but feel unsure of what’s expected.

Over time, repeated prohibitions without guidance can contribute to heightened stress and even anxiety, as the child is constantly corrected but rarely directed (Whalen, 2016).

Positive Phrasing: Guiding Instead of Blocking

Instead of focusing on what children can’t do, positive phrasing gives them clear direction on what they should do. This approach reduces confusion, encourages cooperation, and teaches the right behaviour in a constructive way.

Examples include:

“No running!” → “Walking feet, please.”

“No shouting!” → “Use your quiet voice.”

“No grabbing!” → “Gentle hands.”

“No throwing toys!” → “Keep toys on the floor.”

Positive phrasing transforms discipline from criticism into guidance. It communicates respect and helps children feel safe, because they know exactly what is expected (Durrant, 2013).

The Power of Praise and Positive Reinforcement

Research in child psychology consistently shows that children are more motivated by positive reinforcement than by punishment (Skinner, 1953; Bandura, 1977). The human brain, even in adults, is wired to repeat behaviours that are followed by rewards. For children, those rewards don’t have to be toys or treats: praise, encouragement, and attention are powerful motivators.

For example:

When a child walks calmly indoors, saying “I love how you’re using your walking feet” makes it far more likely they’ll do it again.

If a child shares toys, praising with “That was so kind of you to share with your friend” reinforces kindness as a valued behaviour.

This works because praise activates the brain’s reward system, releasing dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical that strengthens neural connections (Murray & Farrington, 2010). Over time, this literally helps shape the child’s brain, wiring it towards repeating positive behaviours.

Why Praise Works Better Than “No”

1. Specific praise (“You used gentle hands”) teaches exactly what behaviour to repeat.
2. Recognition builds self-esteem, helping children feel capable and confident.
3. Positive attention reduces anxiety, as children feel safe and valued instead of criticised (National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, 2015).

Supporting the Developing Brain

Children under the age of 7 are still in crucial stages of brain development. Their ability to manage impulses, follow complex instructions, and control emotions is still growing. This means that simply saying “no” without further guidance is often ineffective, their brains aren’t yet developed enough to process what they should stop doing, let alone figure out what to do instead.

The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and self-regulation, is still developing rapidly in early childhood and won’t fully mature until the mid-20s (Casey, Tottenham & Fossella, 2002). Because of this, children rely heavily on the more emotional, reactive part of the brain the amygdala when responding to instructions. This is why they are more likely to act on impulses rather than think logically about consequences.

At the same time, children’s brains are making millions of new neural connections every second (Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University, 2016). These connections are strengthened through repeated experiences. When adults use clear, consistent, and positive language (“walking feet,” “gentle hands”), they are not just teaching manners, they are literally helping the child’s brain wire itself to repeat those behaviours. In contrast, when children are only told “no,” the brain doesn’t get the information it needs to form the right connections for alternative behaviour.

Young children also engage in what developmental psychologists call concrete thinking. They understand simple, direct instructions tied to observable actions (“sit on the chair,” “use your quiet voice”) but struggle with abstract negatives (“don’t run,” “stop it”). Abstract commands require a level of cognitive flexibility that develops later, around ages 6–7, as their executive functioning improves (Diamond, 2013).

This is why parents and caregivers need to go beyond “no” and instead phrase requests in positive, concrete terms. Each time a child is guided with clear direction and praised for following it, new neural pathways are reinforced, laying the foundation for long-term self-control and emotional regulation.

Tools and Resources for Parents

Today, parents have access to countless resources online to help support positive behaviour strategies. From parenting videos on positive discipline to behaviour training programmes, there are practical tools available that can demonstrate exactly how to use praise, positive reinforcement, and positive phrasing effectively.

By actively seeking out behaviour training courses or online guides, parents can learn how to replace negative commands with constructive guidance. This not only reduces conflict at home but also promotes stronger, healthier relationships between parent and child.

Saying “no” is quick, but it isn’t always effective. Children need direction, not just correction. By using positive phrasing, reinforcing the behaviours you want to see, and praising your child when they get it right, you’re shaping their behaviour in a way that builds confidence, cooperation, and emotional security.

Remember: Your child’s brain is still developing. They are learning how to manage impulses, emotions, and expectations every day. By guiding them with positive reinforcement instead of a constant stream of “no’s,” you’re not only improving behaviour, you’re also supporting their long-term emotional wellbeing.

So next time you’re about to say “no,” try instead to say what you do want. Your child will understand better, respond more positively, and grow in confidence which will create helthier environment for you all. 

References

1. Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
2. Durrant, J. (2013). Positive Discipline in Everyday Parenting. Save the Children.
3. Miller, E. K., Freedman, D. J., & Wallis, J. D. (2014). The prefrontal cortex: categories, concepts, and cognition. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B.
4. Murray, J., & Farrington, D. P. (2010). Risk factors for conduct disorder and delinquency: key findings from longitudinal studies. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 55(10).
5. National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. (2015). Supportive Relationships and Active Skill-Building Strengthen the Foundations of Resilience.
6. Skinner, B. F. (1953). Science and Human Behavior. New York: Macmillan.
7. Whalen, D. J., Sylvester, C. M., & Luby, J. L. (2016). Depression and Anxiety in Preschoolers: A Review of the Past 7 Years. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 25(2).