In the world of early years education and childcare, adults often feel enormous pressure to maintain calm, manage behaviour, and respond to a variety of emotional needs simultaneously. However, perhaps one of the most misunderstood aspects of child development is the belief that young children should “calm down,” “use their words,” or “manage their emotions” independently. The truth is far more nuanced. Self-regulation is not something a child does because an adult instructs them to; instead, it is a skill that grows slowly, shaped first and foremost by the presence of a calm, regulated adult. This is where co-regulation becomes essential. For childminders, nursery practitioners, teachers, and early years educators, understanding co-regulation is not only helpful; it fundamentally transforms the way we interpret children’s behaviour and emotional reactions.
To begin with, co-regulation refers to the process through which an adult guides, stabilises, and supports a child’s emotional state until the child becomes calm, steady, and safe again. Children’s nervous systems are still developing, and they rely heavily on the adults around them to “lend” them emotional stability when they are overwhelmed. Moreover, co-regulation is not a soft or permissive approach; instead, it is a deeply responsive and developmentally appropriate one. When children shout, cry, refuse, hit, or collapse into overwhelm, they are not demonstrating defiance; they are communicating that their current emotional load exceeds their capacity to cope. Perhaps most importantly, the adult’s presence acts as the child’s anchor. Your calm, steady voice, your grounded posture, and your emotional availability become the pillars that help the child return to balance.
Moreover, neuroscience provides compelling explanations for why co-regulation is not optional but a biological necessity. The prefrontal cortex, which plays a significant role in impulse control, planning, and emotional regulation, continues to develop well into early adulthood. In fact, children under seven simply cannot fully regulate their emotions on their own, and even older children particularly those experiencing stress, additional needs, trauma, or sensory sensitivity struggle without adult support. The amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, activates quickly when a child feels overwhelmed, and if no regulated adult intervenes, their distress escalates. This is not naughtiness; it is a biological phenomenon. When educators understand this, they no longer take behaviour personally. Instead of feeling that a child is “testing” them, they recognise that the behaviour is a clear signal that the child is asking for help, even if the method of asking is loud, messy, or challenging.
Additionally, misunderstandings about self-regulation often lead to unrealistic expectations. A distressed child cannot respond to reasoning or instructions until they have regained emotional stability.
Nevertheless, adults sometimes respond with phrases like “Calm down,” “Stop crying,” or “You need to behave,” expecting logic to override emotional dysregulation. However, in the brain, emotional regulation must come before cognitive reasoning. No amount of talking, correcting, or teaching can reach a child who is overwhelmed. This is why some children appear to “ignore instructions” during emotional moments; they cannot process them. Perhaps, if we shifted our focus from compliance to connection during these moments, many behavioural challenges would diminish naturally. Furthermore, when adults expect children to regulate without support, children may internalise the belief that emotions are unacceptable, which can affect their long-term mental health.
Childminders and educators sit in a unique position because they often know children’s rhythms, triggers, and emotional patterns better than anyone. This deep familiarity means they can spot early signs of dysregulation, those subtle cues that happen before a complete meltdown. Perhaps the child becomes unusually quiet, overly silly, clingy, rigid, tearful, or physically restless. A skilled practitioner notices this shift immediately. Moreover, the environment plays a significant role.
Bright lights, noise, transitions, hunger, tiredness, sensory overload, and social stress can all contribute to dysregulation. When adults understand how these elements intertwine, they can intervene early, offering a gentle touch on the shoulder, a few grounding words, or a brief moment in a quiet space. These micro-interventions often prevent larger emotional storms from developing.
In the moment of escalation, how adults respond is crucial. A regulated adult does not need to raise their voice or match the child’s intensity. Instead, calm presence is the strongest tool we possess. Lowering your voice, softening your posture, and speaking slowly sends a powerful signal of safety to a child’s nervous system. Furthermore, phrases such as “I am right here,” “You are safe,” or “Let us breathe together” create a sense of emotional containment. These phrases do not remove boundaries; children still need firm limits around safety, aggression, and respect, but they prevent shame. Moreover, shame, more than any other emotion, interrupts learning and connection. By offering co-regulation, you are not excusing behaviour; you are helping the child return to a state where they can understand boundaries, reflect, and learn from the experience.
Moreover, co-regulation is not just about words; it is a whole-body process. Children pick up on your facial expressions, tone, gestures, and breathing. They are remarkably attuned to adult emotions, even when those emotions are unspoken. This is why self-awareness is such a vital skill for educators. If an adult feels stressed, overwhelmed, or rushed, children sense it immediately. This does not mean adults must be perfect; instead, it means we must be honest with ourselves and learn to pause, breathe, and reset when needed.
Additionally, modelling calm behaviour teaches children how to handle emotions in the future. When adults show how to take slow breaths, express feelings safely, or pause before responding, children absorb these actions through observation. In many ways, children learn emotional intelligence not through formal instruction but through everyday moments with emotionally regulated adults.
Furthermore, the long-term benefits of co-regulation are absolutely enormous. Children who regularly experience emotional support from caregivers develop stronger resilience, healthier attachments, better problem-solving skills, and improved behaviour over time. They begin to trust that adults will help them, and this trust becomes the foundation for future self-regulation. Perhaps even more importantly, children will eventually internalise the calming presence of the adults who supported them. Over the years, the external co-regulation provided by caregivers has become the child’s internal voice of reassurance. They learn that emotions are tolerable, that mistakes are typical, and that solutions exist. This internalised safety shapes future wellbeing, academic success, and emotional maturity.
For educators and childminders, embedding co-regulation into daily practice does not require elaborate resources or expensive interventions. It begins with relationships. It grows through consistency and routines. Furthermore, it strengthens each time a child experiences an adult who sees beyond the behaviour and responds to the underlying need. Additionally, creating emotionally safe learning environments, spaces where children can express themselves without fear, enhances co-regulation. These environments include calm corners, visual aids, predictable routines, opportunities for sensory movement, and small, meaningful check-ins throughout the day. When a child feels genuinely understood, their behaviour naturally improves because they no longer operate from a place of overwhelm.
Ultimately, co-regulation is not simply a strategy; it is a philosophy rooted in connection, empathy, and developmental science. When childminders and educators adopt co-regulation, they transform their settings into places where children feel both emotionally nourished and academically supported. Moreover, by modelling emotional strength and compassion, educators give children the tools they need to grow into resilient, confident young people. Moreover, the most powerful truth of all is this: no child learns to regulate on their own; every child learns through the calm presence of a regulated adult who shows them the way.